We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
