Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
