My room smells like vodka and shame
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
