I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
