Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
