i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
