Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
