is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize