I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
