i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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