I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
