We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
