at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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