where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize