WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
