I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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