If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i drank out of a bidet.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
