I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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