the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
