mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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