hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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