it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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