Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
