i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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