margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
