I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
