She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
