Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
