ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
