9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize