Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
