Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize