mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
