So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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