i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
