Where did you get a picture of my penis
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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