Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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