first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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