That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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