atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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