this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
