this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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