I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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