I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
