Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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