Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
