It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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