So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
this hospital has no fireball
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
