Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
