if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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