she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
