I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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