The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize