You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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