if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
That was before I lit my hair on fire
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
