I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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