fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
