So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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