took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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