Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
