I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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