how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
