for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What a dumb baby whore.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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