I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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