After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
