he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
