I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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