I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
