he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
