does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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